A Letter To Charlie Dog, My Greatest Quarantine Lesson in Love

Dear Charlie,

 

I want to write this all down while the tears are still freshly streaming down my face and the memories are still raw and I can still smell your sweet doggie scent on my sheets and blankets. Okay so it may not have always been the sweetest scent but it was you. YOU. My little baby. My tiny woof. An old man in a toy dog body. I remember seeing the photo board of foster dogs and there you were, so sweet and innocent, even in your photos, I knew I chose you.

 

I remember when they brought you to me the first time. Devan opened up the back seat of the car where all the dogs were in their little crates barking…and there you were. You said nothing as you were carried out of your crate and onto the concrete to meet me. I fell in love with your cherubic dog face, that phlegmy sound you make instead of barking and your tiny legs, even the hind ones that were bow legged. They were different, but they were you, Charlie.

 

Oh, those floating knee caps, everyone made a big deal about them,  but you seem minimally bothered by your handicap. I needed to carry you up and down stairs to go outside, but every so often, you became a show off and made your own way. Of course, you got a treat for that. Treats began with started with tiny bits of carrot, but eventually you took control of mommy’s heart and that made way for little tablespoons of peanut butter and Greek yogurt. I loved the way your tail would wag and your eyes would shine when I opened the refrigerator door. You definitely love your food.

 

Initially, I had no intention of keeping you. You were a trial run before I picked a forever furball. But you made it so easy to love you, and then that first time you got sick, I hated cleaning up the messes you left on my balcony, but I was also worried sick that I did something wrong. When the agency took you back the first time, I never cried so hard. My eyes were swollen shut for a good day or two. I was so grateful you got better and came back to be with me.

 

Over time, things just got better between us. We had a little routine. You started to let me sleep in. You let me know the areas you liked to walk around the neighborhood. You stopped having accidents in the apartment (for the most part). You didn’t love baths, but you loved sitting on the towels waiting for me to come out of the shower. You loved staring at yourself in my mirror. I truly think you thought there was another dog on the other side…haha! The best was when you do your downward dog pose. I am still mad I have no photos of that.

 

You loved to lick my feet and legs when I came home from exercising…the saltier the better! Best of all, you loved cuddles. You love to be carried onto the couch with me and sausage your way up to my side. I love seeing your face in my armpit, blissed out and relaxed. Towards the end, I barely even noticed your dog breath or occasional farts.

 

You wanted to be as close to me as possible, whether it was a paw on my leg or a chin on my shoulder. You needed me. And I needed you. I needed you so much more than I ever could have imagined. It took a pandemic for me to find you and to realize a tiny sickly dog could give me (almost) everything I needed.

 

Watching you get sick yesterday was one of the scariest moments of my life. I felt so helpless, like I couldn’t save you no matter what I did. I stayed up with you all night and slept in your sweat and urine smell until the morning. I wiped your eye boogers and picked up all your poops, even the liquid ones. Never in one million years did I think I could love something THAT much. But I loved you, and I always will.

 

My joys were much more simple with you around. Suddenly, just waking up and opening your crate to see you was one of the best parts of the day. Laying on the couch with you at night was better than being out with friends. I would seriously rush home to be with you any time I left the house! Seeing you wag your tail or look at me innocently to pick you up and carry you felt amazing and worth every hair I constantly swept off the floor during your shedding season.

 

Charlie Dog, to let you go today knowing that I won’t see you again is truly heart wrenching, but you have taught me so much in these past few months. You have taught me more about patience, selflessness and trust, forgiveness and love than most humans have in a lifetime. No matter what I did, even if it was an accident, you always let me back in (with a treat of course). You were hands down the best thing to come out of this quarantine. I truly hope there is a family out there in Canada that can tend to all of your needs and give you all the love you deserve and more. You are a special dog and I will never EVER forget you.

 

All my love,

Mommy