Broken Hearts, Sprained Ankles and Career Opportunities, That’s What 36 Was Made Of…

Weird title for my blog entry today, right? Well, it’s been a weird year, so I find it suiting. The day before I turn 37 and there are so many thoughts going through my head.

Last week, I celebrated a joyous occasion. A very beautiful and dear friend of mine walked down the aisle with her boyfriend of 10 years. 10 years…since they are both in their early 30s, this means they met in college and spent 10 years sharing and growing their lives together. Her bridesmaids and his groomsmen were all friends they accumulated over time, mostly together. As she walked down the aisle to greet him and make their relationship final, I felt myself tearing up and actually holding back sobs. I am naturally an emotional person, but this was different. Part of me was extremely happy for her, but then part of me couldn’t help but think, “Where did I fall off?”

What do I mean by that? What I mean is, how did I stray from that path? I have always wanted to spend forever with someone. Where did I go wrong? I start to analyze the things I have done in my life and the decisions I have made. I am not saying it can never happen, but if I am really honest with myself…at 37, it certainly doesn’t seem as likely as it did at 30 or even 35. People start to look at the number. When they see it, on dating websites…there are assumptions. When they hear it, you can almost feel the silent judgment. Also, the age thing aside, dating has just become a total train wreck. At first it was fun, being fresh out of a relationship and going out with men who actually reassured me that I was a wanted woman…then it got old. The whole swiping, flaking, social media obsessed part of it. Yea…no thanks.

I didn’t really think about this age thing as much last year, because I was in a relationship. That relationship was not fantastic, but typically when you are in something, you try to be “in” it and not visualize your life without that person. I gave him 110%. I don’t know if I visualized myself with him, but I certainly did not visualize the breakup going as it did, or myself going through the emotional and mental turmoil that I let myself go through almost the entirety of this past year. I let him squash myself self-esteem. I take full responsibility for that. That didn’t have to happen. I let it happen.

At the end of the day, I am now a stronger and more confident person without him. I can honestly say my career flew off the roof after our relationship ended and has never been better. One year later, I am really starting to get to do so much more of what I love. I get paid to be creative in nutrition. I just got my business license and hopefully this next year I will be doing more freelance cooking demos, some videos and private consulting. I am hoping to secure enough financial freedom that I can move away from Los Angeles, quite honestly, and do what I am doing here somewhere else. This city was fun in my 20s, but I don’t see forever here.

It is scary and rewarding and very challenging working freelance. I had a man call me today who got my card from a wellness table I had worked at in Orange County. He has a private chef, yoga instructor, therapist and personal trainer. He claims he “only works with the best and he wants THE BEST nutritionist, is that me?” Well, about nine months ago if you asked me that question, my self esteem was so far down the toilet, I would have probably asked you if I could call you back and think about it. This time I responded yes. Then I had to go look in the mirror and make sure I was the best nutritionist. Yep…that’s me.

Another human moment I had this year was spraining my ankle. This happened about 6 weeks ago. It might not seem like a big deal to some people, but for someone like me who has NEVER been injured, someone who when it comes to athletics, likes to make believe they are invincible like Wonder Woman and can do backflips and somersaults over tall buildings (okay, not really but you get it), it was a HUGE and SCARY ordeal. I have heard others who hurt themselves say it, but it’s moments like that that make you remember you are human and you have to slow down and let yourself heal. I have tried to slow down…but I will never stop!

I believe in myself more now than I ever did. Of course, this is due to some good people in my life I call friends. These friends have changed somewhat in the past year. A year ago today I was at my own birthday dinner with three people I cared deeply about. I remember going around the dinner table that night and saying out loud how grateful I was to have those special people in my life. I never thought that one year later, two of those three people would no longer be a part of my life. One was the boyfriend, of course, but the other was a friend. She even had a label. BEST FRIEND. If you are still reading this right now I can say another lesson I have learned, DON’T GIVE OUT LABELS, or if you do, choose very wisely. The terms BEST FRIEND and BOYFRIEND give the person you give that label to the responsibility to live up to that label. And some people can’t handle that. He definitely couldn’t…and unfortunately, neither could she.

Moving forward, I am grateful for the friends that stuck by me through that challenging time in my life. The friends who let me text them at 5 in the morning when I couldn’t sleep. The friends who let me lie on their couches and cry my eyeballs out. Or let me yell at them when it wasn’t their fault. I don’t have to name you…you know who you are. I cannot begin to speak on how grateful I am for the people who have been supportive of my website, my cooking creations and my social media posts. I know the pictures aren’t always the best, but with time they have gotten better, and they will continue to do so! Even when people say you need to be happy on your own, everyone needs support and I am grateful for those who have supported me through all the madness of this past year. Let’s see what challenges 37 has in store for me…