Friendship 2023…Navigating How We Communicate Today
Do you remember your very first friend?
Mine was named Jessica. There may have been friends before her, but she was the first BEST friend I can recall. Our friendship probably started around age 4, and I assume it was orchestrated by our mothers because they were also friends. Jessica and I took ballet classes together. Our moms would take turns driving, and every Friday, as a special treat, they would take us to get McDonald’s Happy Meals together before class. We would often take turns sleeping over at each other’s houses, playing with our Barbies, or dressing up and sneaking lipstick and perfume out of our mother’s makeup kits. We both had annoying little sisters who would try to tattle on us for not including them. Of course, they were best friends too.
Ironically, back in those days, our families both had weekend homes in Calistoga. This was before it became trendy. I can blissfully recall many long summer weekends spent at Jessica’s home by the pool with her grandfather barbequing, all the moms gossiping and the men smoking cigars or cigarettes while us kids would swim in the pool for hours. Jessica would get golden brown and I would get sunburnt.
Our families would always celebrate the 4th of July together. I remember the crowds at the annual parade during the day and the bright lights of the Ferris wheel at the county fair at night. I can almost taste the sticky sweetness of the cotton candy I would get all over my hands and face. Later in the evening, there was always the lingering smell of smoke from the fireworks that were shot over the fairgrounds and sparklers that we kids got to carry around. All of us kids had fun together. But that was how childhood friendships were. Easy. Filled with laughter, games, and silliness. Those carefree times.
What happened to Jessica?
I wish I could remember exactly what happened to my friendship with Jessica, but like many childhood friendships, we just drifted. We attended different schools, and then my family ended up moving out of the city…and things just faded.
I caught up with Jessica many years later when my parents and I were invited to her wedding. It was lovely to see her. I got to meet her new husband and some of her college friends. I saw her sister, her cousins, and a few other people I hadn’t seen in years.
Jessica looked beautiful and happy. She was a woman now…and a perfect stranger. Years had gone by, and she had a whole life without me. Did I expect to go to this wedding and see her in a pink leotard holding a Barbie doll, asking me to play dress up? No, but, it made me realize that our friendship had its space in time, and the most glorious parts of it are just memories now.
We never had a fallout. There was never a serious fight. We don’t hate each other. I could probably reach out and send her a text (it is 2023, right?), but I don’t. Life got in the way. That is the way young friendships tend to go. The door isn’t closed, but maybe it’s best just left cracked open for the beautiful memories to seep through from time to time.
So what is the point of this story?
It’s one thing for this to happen with friendships when you are a child, but what about when you are an adult? Why are friendships so disposable now? It can’t just be me. Why does everyone hide behind screens now instead of communicating?
When I say friendship, I am not talking about the friend of a friend who you met at a mixer who added you on Facebook 10 years ago. I am talking about the friends who would come over to your home in their sweatpants to watch mindless television shows and eat junk food or share a bottle of wine on your couch. The friends you would go out drinking with on a Saturday and then go get a greasy hangover breakfast together on Sunday. Road trips, sweaty hikes, nightclubs, and fancy restaurants. Phone conversations for hours, endless laughter, memories, inside jokes, tears of joy or pain… long-term friends. Friends of 10, 15, or even 27 years.
What has happened to friendship?
Conversations have turned into text messages. Text messages have turned into likes or other disconnected emojis. People think they know each other based on social media accounts. People don’t talk when something bothers them, they just make assumptions based on photos or words on a screen.
Loyalty doesn’t feel like a thing anymore. People ghost each other. People BLOCK each other. It’s pretty traumatizing. Can you imagine being there mentally and physically for someone, sharing years of memories, trips, and general life experiences only to have them act petty when you try to have a conversation about an issue by BLOCKING you from all contact? It sounds like a divorce, and basically, it is, minus the legal aspect a couple usually goes through in that sort of situation.
Who exhibits this sort of behavior?
Apparently, many of us do now, and it’s disgusting. At this point in my life, I can admit my flaws. I can be way too blunt, I get angry and annoyed easily and don’t do a great job of hiding it. I can be quick to judge and passive-aggressive, I can be quick to act or say the wrong thing based upon an emotion and regret it later. But I can also admit these things. I am a flawed human, but I am self-aware and willing to apologize when it’s my fault and if nothing else, I am a loving and loyal friend to those I am close to and have a significant history with.
Friend 1
This past year there have been three specific instances that have blindsided me and left me traumatized and questioning my own self-worth. One situation was a longtime friend who had her share of unfortunate moments over the years, most of which I was aware of. This particular situation played out over the course of two years. Regular phone dates turned into short, distant texts that turned into one long-winded five-paragraph shit-excuse-for-communication text about how she was working on herself and felt, based on whatever she saw in regard to my life on social media, that we were not on the same page anymore…but perhaps if I went to therapy things would be different at some point? It was interesting but also perplexing coming from a friend I really cared for but was also probably one of the most negative people I know.
Friend 2
The second friend, the oldest friend in history, moved back to Los Angeles a year ago. Falling out coincided with her birthday and a total lack of communication that lasted a year and a half, mostly because both of us thought the other should be the first to reach out. Sadly, the fact that it took a year and a half for us to communicate again says everything to me.
Friend 3
The third person was a longtime friend who went through an unfortunate breakup. I think that was a lot of the reason why we fell out. That plus her insecurities, her fear of judgment, her lack of self-awareness, and constant need for validation, but again, hiding behind a screen and assuming things, and then blocking a friend you claimed was “more like a sister, part of the family” feels pretty childish to me. You would think in your 40s people would be able to finally admit their flaws, have hard conversations with those they love, or apologize when they are wrong, but clearly not in this situation.
This blog isn’t meant to directly bash anyone. As I said before, I am far from perfect, but when someone loses three close friends in a year, it hurts. While there is a chance I will speak with one or more of these people again, most likely, the friendships will never be the same. Do I need to see a therapist because of this? Only if I want, and I am kind of sick of everyone using that as an answer every time someone vents an issue in a public forum. Hearing people say “I have been in therapy, and I am working on myself” but then treating everyone else around them like crap and saying it’s out of love is one of the biggest cop-outs of the century. Writing is my therapy, okay?
Friendship facts
I do take into account that friendship is not linear. People change, values change and time changes things. However, you can still be friends with people who are not exactly like you. For example, it’s harder now for me to maintain friendships with my friends who are married with children. I might see them once a month instead of once a week, but we both still try, so the friendships aren’t over…they are just different.
I also realize that friendship in your 40s is different than in your 20s. We all have more responsibilities, possibly a significant other and kids or pets. It is not uncommon to want more alone time as life gets hectic, health or mental issues can crop up at any given time, often putting our friendships on the backburner.
I have friends in a variety of professions with a variety of schedules and it doesn’t bother me. In case you weren’t aware, it’s healthy to be friends with people who aren’t exactly like you, or that have different opinions on things than you do. It makes life more interesting.
Reflections on friendship
I was home the other night watching a movie that just came out called “Sitting in Bars with Cakes.” In the movie, two young women who have been friends since they were small children move to Los Angeles together to pursue their dreams. I don’t want to ruin it completely, but one gets very sick, and there is a moment when the healthy friend is going through her sick friend’s room and posters they created over the years with photos of all their memories and inside jokes. I got choked up thinking about how much I miss really feeling that connected to another person and how special that bond can be.
But sadly, people don’t seem to want to put in the effort anymore. It’s easier to use social media to communicate. You can leave the conversation whenever you want without consequences. This makes me more hesitant to put myself out there and make new friends. It is more difficult to be vulnerable. I feel like I have to pretend that everything is positive all the time and if I want to say something remotely negative, I have to hide/block certain people from seeing my social media because I don’t want them to think I am a human being who goes through a variety of emotions on a regular basis.
It is obvious that less is more. I no longer want friends to know as much about me or my life. This means there is less chance to get annoyed with each other or fight. In reflecting on the relationships that have been broken, I realize the people I have stayed consistently friends with over the years are the people I talk to less and therefore know less about my life, leaving less room for getting sick of each other or fighting. It’s sad, but I feel like I need to curb my emotions because older friendships I thought would be there forever are ending, and it’s not with grace like my childhood friendships. There is no fading out, it’s more like the power got cut off abruptly. The more this happens, the more I start to think maybe I am better off sitting in the dark…and I don’t want to think like that.
Moving forward
It is crucial to understand the profound impact social media has had on all of our relationships- friendship, significant others, AND family. At one point it seemed like all these platforms and applications were meant to connect us, but instead, we (or I in this case) feel more disconnected than ever. I think it is important to be aware of the disconnect social media creates and try to prioritize genuine human connections. There is great value in face-to-face conversations, hearing someone laugh or cry, and feeling the warmth of a hug. I don’t think anyone should reject technology altogether, but possibly use it more mindfully so we can reclaim the depth and purpose our friendships once had.
