I spent a month in a foreign country where I didn’t speak the language. Here is what I learned.

Last summer, a friend and I set out on a trip to Istanbul, Turkey. Neither of us had been there or really knew what to expect, but we both love to travel and see the world. Based on the price and availability of a guided excursion that included some areas we were curious about in this region, we booked an 8-day trip that included some time to ourselves on the front and back end of the tour.

This trip ended up being one of the highlights of 2022 for both of us. My girlfriend fell in love with the country, the architecture, and its landscape. Me, I just fell in love. We both wanted to come back to Istanbul, so we decided on a full month in December. She has a job where she works from home, and while my work is not entirely remote, I was able to secure a few projects that made a month away possible for me as well.

I really expected this time to be as magical as my summer trip, but this trip was different. It was much more of a reality check than a fairy tale.

I have been home in America for almost one month now. As the jetlag subsides and the remnants of the flu I contracted while abroad fade away, I can now reflect on the invaluable life lessons I learned living in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language for an entire month. This is some of what I learned. Keep in mind, none of these lessons are new, just newly applied.

That cliché saying “we plan, god laughs” is real. Expect the unexpected.

I had a vision of how this trip was going to go. My girlfriend and I would be staying in this cute apartment in a very central location. My Turkish boyfriend would be by my side frequently accompanying us on a variety of adventures. It would be easy to get around the city and we could take long weekend trips to other parts of Turkey without any issues.

While our apartment was cute, the location was central….to all the touristy things. In some ways, that sounds ideal, but in many ways, it was not. The area we chose, Sultanhamet, was far from modern. It was always crowded because the major mosques Hagia Sophia and the Blue Mosque are located there, so getting around our area wasn’t always easy. Climbing steep cobblestone hills to get to the metro wasn’t always a welcome pleasure.

Speaking of the metro, while public transportation is amazing in Istanbul, in our area the metro was often uncomfortably packed with people. Going somewhere close by could take longer than one might expect. We did choose to walk quite a bit, but it would have been nice to be somewhere less tourist-centered and have the chance to experience more “regular” Turkish life.

Sometimes love is not enough.

Sad but true. Ah, the Turkish boyfriend. Do you know how it is said to leave summer romances in the summer? That is probably true. I had these grand visions of the time we would spend together getting to know each other better, but the universe had other plans. He started a new job where he didn’t have the flexibility he had in the summer. His commute to work was long, and it hadn’t been communicated properly how difficult the distance between us would be to travel outside of his new job hours. Between this commute and a surgery he had to undergo while I was there, I ended up seeing him a grand total of 5 times in 30 days. Not at all what I had planned.

A good part of the reason I went on this trip was to get to know him better. Our relationship over the summer was passionate and instantaneous. I wanted to see what it would be like in “real life” together. Well, I guess you could say I got to know, and it wasn’t at all what I had hoped for. In fairness, I don’t think he knew exactly how long the recovery from his surgery would take. He didn’t expect to be in so much pain either. Even so, my expectations for how my time with him would be were not met, making the trip a little less enjoyable for me.

My friend and I also didn’t plan on getting the flu, but sadly that happened. It started the day before Christmas Eve and by Christmas day, we both had coughs and fevers. Being sick is never fun, especially in a foreign country where it is winter and you don’t have the care, food, or medicine you are used to. We were also still trying to do all the things we planned, which made our illnesses worse. To say it was disheartening is an understatement.

There are a few good people left in the world.

I was really lucky that someone I knew back home had a friend in Istanbul who was willing to help us when we were sick.  The friend picked up my girlfriend and me and took us to a nearby emergency room hospital. Not only did the friend take us to the emergency room hospital, but he also stayed with us the entire time and helped translate the symptoms we were feeling to the doctors so that they could get us the right medication. We were both given IV treatments that had antibiotics and vitamins in them.

This same friend that took us to the hospital drove us to the pharmacy to get extra medication, and then back to our home three hours later! I tried to offer him money for his kindness, but he would not accept it, saying this was just something people do for each other there. I feel like it is pretty rare in Los Angeles that a person helps someone they don’t know, especially without guaranteed reciprocity. At the same time, I have never asked.

It is important to have at least one really solid friendship.

It is normal that sometimes when you travel with a friend, you’re probably going to get sick of each other. You may come back and not be so close anymore. I was well aware that could happen with my girlfriend, but I actually felt like this trip brought us closer and really solidified the relationship that we share. There were many ups and downs, and she stayed by my side through all of them, listening when I needed her to, being a solid shoulder to cry on or vent to, and staying away when she needed her space. We even had IVs in our arms at the emergency room together. How many friends can say they have shared that experience?

Having a solid friend is like having a family member. They will be empathic in your good or bad moments. You can fight, but you can make up and move on without judgments or grudges. You can also laugh until snot comes out of your nose or be naked in a sauna together and isn’t awkward.

I think I figured out why I am so angry. At least partially.

Before I left for this trip, I got into a car accident. Luckily, the accident was my fault and no one else was involved. Not so luckily, I totaled my car. This is not the first time this has happened. There have been many times over the past few years when I have gotten incredibly angry and done something to myself that I later regret. Why am I so angry? I think I may have figured out part of the answer during my travels.

America is big on its work culture. Many people work well over 40 hours a week and prioritize work and money over time with friends and family. I can’t say that this is every American’s desire, but it ends up being a reality given the expense of life, specifically in Los Angeles. The cost of living here takes precedence. That combined with the desire to have things keeps many of us working longer and harder than ever before. We end up living to work, taking on multiple jobs to pay for these things we think we need, and burning our candle of livelihood at both ends.

In Turkey, there is definitely a work culture, but there appears to be a greater work/life balance. I am sure people in Istanbul also want things, but people tend to put aside more time to see their friends and family, to have a coffee and chat, or eat dinner together. There is definitely traffic, but the frantic tension isn’t there because the cost of living and desire for more things isn’t as prevalent.

That tension makes me angry. It looms over me like an ever-present fog here at home. It’s on the roads and in daily conversations with friends and strangers alike. People seem more self-important and less self-aware and it is maddening.  I hope that my becoming more aware of this on my travels helps me work to change how I react to it.

I have a blessed life.

It is clear that living in Los Angeles is not easy. There is a ton of traffic and everything is overly expensive. People are either faking it or making it, and the fakers can really fool you. The feeling of tension is all around me. Everyone is doing ten million things at once and also not really focusing on any one thing. Money and possessions seem more important than connection. There are a lot of egos and it gets very lonely.

At the same time, I have made it work. I work for myself, the dollar is king and I can travel mostly when I want. I have freedom. While other countries do have more time to connect and life doesn’t feel as rushed, there are issues in other countries I am grateful I don’t have to contend with.

If you never try, you’ll never know. Take the risk.

I spent months prior to this trip riddled with anxiety over the length of this trip. What would I do for an entire month? I had gone on tours and spent a few weeks here and there in other countries, but an entire month? The thought was rather daunting. But if you never try, you’ll never know. Now I know I am capable of doing it. Even in a place where I don’t speak the language. Many people are too scared to take that sort of risk. I didn’t know nearly enough about Istanbul, its geography, or its culture before I went on this trip. There is still so much more I could learn, but despite that, I survived a full month living there, and I am proud of myself. Where to next?